Before my mother succumbed to Alzheimer's Disease, my love for God was unwavering. But, some time between her last sick days on this earth and her subsequent death, I lost my faith... in God. I remember reading my mother's death certificate with the names of the six factors that contributed to her death, including her twenty-year battle with Alzheimer's. Being shown her medical history all neatly packaged and presented, left me very angry. I thought it was excessive. She could have died with any one of the six illnesses, but she suffered as a result of all of them. I verbalized my pain to God many times over the succeeding months. My life, from that moment on, changed.
Upon separating myself from a loving relationship with God, I stopped living Life and became absorbed in self-pity and rage, instead. To my family and friends, I appeared grief-stricken. But, they were unaware that on the inside, I felt spiritually dead. The mere mention of His Holy Name brought forth unkind words from me. I was lost, lost in a world I chose to accept in anger. A world, without the presence of God, is a cold, dark, ugly place, void of Light and filled with hopelessness. I became incapable of showing love, even around my two children, whom I loved beyond life itself, and who I knew loved me. Even my sister had admonished me for lashing out at the Lord over my mother's death. She had always said our mother had not suffered during her illness, and she questioned my lack of faith in God's judgment. I was, in every sense of the word, a 'miserable' human being.
When I was finally able to clear my head, one thought in particular kept coming across my mind. One of my mother's favorite truisms was: "God don't make mistakes. He is a loving and forgiving God." On that day, when I made the dreadful decision to turn my back on Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I committed the worst of sins.
Psalm 32:5 reads, "I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah." A most merciful God did forgive me. How do I know this to be true? Please, read my story.
God's forgiveness came while I was in my kitchen, one day. Home from school with colds, my two young daughters (ages 3 and 6) were sitting on the floor in the living room watching television. I was alone in my kitchen, finishing up the noontime lunch dishes, thinking about my mom and crying silently. When an angelic (female) voice, whispered into my right ear and said, "Go into the living room and turn the television to the Bill Kennedy Show" (a local tv show that offered movies). I questioned the thought and mumbled to myself, "'Bill Kennedy'?! I don't want to watch a movie." So, I shrugged off the thought and went back to washing dishes. Less then a moment later, the angelic voice repeated her request, whispering into my right ear. And this time, I was moved spiritually to go into my living room and take control of the television (for which I apologized, amidst cries of protest from my children) and quickly turned to the Bill Kennedy Show.
I got to the channel just as the movie title was appearing onscreen, The Song Of Bernadette. It told about the life of Bernadette Soubirous, a young teenager, who saw the Virgin Mary appear in a grotto in Lourdes, France in 1858. I had never seen or heard anything about this religious film. I was captivated from the moment I'd read the title and was moved once again, spiritually, to sit down and watch it. At the same time, my two children were begging me to switch the channel. I could hear them, but I was mesmerized by the movie. They soon settled down and started playing.
I remember having watched the entire movie, and as it ended, I had become so emotional that tears welled up in my eyes, a little at first then more. I couldn't control the tears as they were flowing from me, spiritually. My eldest daughter ran over and asked why I was crying. I tried to answer, but I couldn't speak, which upset her.
After what seemed like a long moment, my crying suddenly ceased. I found my voice and whispered to my children that I was alright. Hugging them both, I told my oldest to take her sister and go watch television; I'd join them shortly. I knew, spiritually, that I had only a few moments to get to the privacy of my bedroom, before my tears would start flowing again.
No sooner had I entered my bedroom and closed the door, my chest began to heave -- sudden tremendous spasms of heaving. It felt as if my tears were literally being pulled from the depths of my soul. And, like the flood gates of a dam, they burst open, and the tears came pouring out of me uncontrollably. I was crying like I've never cried before (or since), as pent-up emotions filled my bedroom. Isaiah 65:24 reads, "And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear." I was moaning, groaning , calling out the Lord's name fervently, while falling to my knees. I prayed and asked for forgiveness, which I received instantly. And, suddenly, the heaving subsided and the tears stopped as quickly as they had begun. And, I found myself shouting repeatedly, "I understand! I understand, Lord!" Then, the burden of sadness and anger that had consumed my heart, my life, for all those past months was also gone. And, I felt so alive! So alive in spirit!
Mere words cannot describe what I was feeling. Praise God! Suddenly, I could hear my children beating on the bedroom door screaming my name, "Mommy! Mommy! Whats the matter?! Who are you talking to?!" It was a joyous reunion being able to kiss and caress my girls with a mother's undying love, with no emotional baggage attached to that blessed moment. Being able to share in their laughter and their lives again was truly a blessing.
When the house was quiet for the night, I slipped into my kitchen for some personal time. I needed to give praise for such a glorious day, blessed by a visit from an angel, who had a message for me, from a most loving and merciful God.
To those of you, who have just read my true story, I have something else to add. It was grief that had transformed me into a part-time atheist, for those many months, and nothing more. I'm no longer grieving for my mom. I know that she is at peace and is in a better place, and so am I. God is a merciful God. He never deserted me or my mother (as I had mistakenly thought). His presence was there in every circumstance during our 'waking' nightmares. He was with my mother while she was enduring terrible physical and mental hardships, comforting and loving her throughout her ordeal. Just as He was with me during my self-imposed separation from Him. I couldn't see or touch Him, but God was there in heavenly spirit beside me, never letting go of my hand, steadily guiding me back to Him and to His light. My God was still being the ever loving and forgiving Father to me, one of His most disobedient children.
John 8:12 says, "Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."
PRAISE GOD! Please, always pray for someone you don't know. And, tell no one who that person is. May God Bless you.
Copyright 2007, 2008.
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